Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Domestic Nightmare

Scene: Target. Mid-day. Saturday.
The Characters: Dan and His wife Eileen. Married two years last month.

Real Life Situation
Eileen: You have to help me pick which of these hand towels goes the best with that new wallpaper I just made you hang in the downstairs bathroom.

Dan: I like the dark green ones.

Eileen: The DARK GREEN!?! It's so ugly!

Dan: Then why did you pick it?

Eileen: As a test, Dan. A test to see if you ever pay attention to me. You don't. Green was the color sweater I was wearing when we broke up for two weeks junior year. I hate green because of that.

Dan: Oh. Sorry- just the maroon ones, then.

Eileen: You really just don't care about anything do you babe?

(we now go through a rapid montage of Eileen picking up things and asking Dan what he thinks, as if his opinion matters, or as if he really has an opinion. They make it through 3 more isles of homeware when they reach a very simple square cabinet that would probably take anyone of moderate intelligence 5 minutes to get together)

Eileen: Hon, do you think if I bought this you could put it together and hang it for me?

Dan: Yeah, it looks pretty easy, but do you need more stuff to hang?

Eileen: Well you just let me worry about what I need you to hang. Also, I don't want this to end up like my microwave stand when you had to borrow my dad's drill.

Dan: It'll be fine babe.

Eileen: I dunnnoooooo.

(now walks up Sarah, longtime friend of Eileen. Friend, but since she got married, Eileen has become difficult to enjoy. I added that because Sarah would want you to know that)

Sarah: Heeeeyyyyy guyyyys!

Eileen: Oh my god, look's Sarah!!
(moves in for what looks like a real meaningful hug, but just does that half hug thing and taps her back a bunch of times)

Dan: Hey Sarah. Long time no see.

Sarah: Yeah! How have you guys been? What are ya doin here?

Dan: Well...

Eileen(interrupts): Oh good, you know how it is...or at least you WILL when you find that guy!

Sarah: Ha...yeah....that's what my mom always says. Always.

Eileen: We're here getting some accessories for the new place and the bathroom we just reworked. Well, that I reworked. AHAH HAH HAH(fake, forced laugh). I would of just sent this one(jesters to Dan in cheesy fashion. You know the way...tilts her head towards him and side-mouth talks), but if it wasn't for us, these guys would just suck their thumbs and curl up in a ball somewhere and die!

Sarah: Yeah...right?(fake) Well it was great seeing you two!

Dan: You...

Eileen(interrupts): OH DEF! We have to get together for some cosmos real soon. Now I gotta stop at Starbucks and get my Chai on and then watch hubby here try to put things together.

This a scene we're all familiar with, I'm sure. You see them all the time. At Target, at Quiznos, at Home Depot. Now, let's live inside of my dream world for Dan for a change...

The Way Things Should Be
Eileen: You have to help me pick which of these hand towels goes the best with that new wallpaper I just made you hang in the downstairs bathroom.

Dan: Wait, the downstairs bathroom under the staircase that no one EVER uses? Even if they did use it, they would see these fancy towels hanging, and think "hmmm, these are fancy towels, I don't want to wipe my pee soaked hand on that...I wonder what I could use?? Why did they buy these??" Since your insistant on filling our lives with this meaningless crap, then okay, I want the dark green towels. You wanna know why honey bunny? Because I know you hate that color. I know you hate it because it reminds you of that piece of shit sweater you wore when we broke up 7 years ago for two weeks. Yeah, I remember. But I choose not to bring it up over and over again and have decided to move on with life. Get whatever towels you want. I don't care. I will never care.

(the rapid montage is not included, because while Eileen gets all the little stuff, Dan goes over to electronics and plays Guitar Hero. But then we do come back to the cabinet)

Eileen: Hon, do you think if I bought this you could put it together and hang it for me?

Dan: No. I couldn't do that. I could never do that. I earned a degree in arcitecture, but this 3' box will be the end of me. Tell you what. They have instructions with this one. Just as they do with any of this crap you buy. You know what the instructions do? They tell you how to assemble it. I know how reading is a problem for you just like watching a movie with your mouth shut, but maybe you could just give it a whirl.

(Sarah comes up, short shorts, tank top. Zero bra. Hair waving all crazy from an unseen wind source. This is a Dan fantasy, remember)

Sarah: Heeeeyyyyy Daaan! Hi Eileen.

Eileen: Oh my god, look's Sarah!!

Dan: Really? Wouldn't of figured it out unless you said exactly that to me. Idiot.
Hey Sarah...looking good. Real good.

Sarah: Thanks! How have you guys been? What are ya doin here?

Eileen: Well we needed some things for the house, and you know we can't trust these ones to do ANYTHING on their own. You'll know all about it when you eventually find a husband, but right now you have no idea what I'm talking about whatsoever.

Dan: Excuse me? What did you just say? Don't you ever speak about me that way in public. Ever. I can get along just fine doing things on my own. I know this because in the shower this morning I did something on my own that you haven't done for me in a month. 

Sarah: You're right, Eileen. I wouldn't know anything about being married. You know why? Because you told every boyfriend I ever had that I was a huge slut and would cheat on them because you didn't want me to get married before you. Awesome person. 

Dan: You know what, Sarah, I thought you were so hot from the moment I met you. Me and this one(does the head tilt) were having sex bout 3 months ago and I thought of you. Best sex in 3 years. Wanna go grab a beer?

Sarah: Absolutely! I get super horny when I drink, so let's hope nothing crazy happens.

Dan: Yeah, let's hope. Hey babe, don't wait up.

As they walk off Eileen drops the glass potpourri bowl that went with her decorative soaps. Not all is lost though as she notices a candle holder that would be PERFECT next to the fireplace.

Poor Dan.

1 comment:

  1. perfect.i loved it. . . hey! . . .my EYES are up HERE!